Mothering Justice: Detroit-based organization empowering mothers of color

Navigating the Unseen Toll: Caregiving, Culture, and Self-Preservation

The Mothering Justice podcast, "Building the next generation of mom activists," recently dedicated an episode to the profoundly impactful and often unseen reality of caregiving. Hosted by Brenda Williams, the discussion featured Omari Minard, Shamil Dobs, and Ken Whitaker, who shared candid accounts of their lived experiences navigating the complexities, challenges, and emotional weight of caring for loved ones while balancing their own adult responsibilities.

Omari Minard recounted the sudden tragedy of becoming a single father and primary caregiver after his children's mother passed away just 13 days after giving birth due to a pulmonary embolism. Despite raising awareness around reproductive justice and maternal health through his foundation, he openly discussed the grind of raising his babies while managing his own trauma and grief.

Shamil Dobs shared the story of caring for her father after noticing changes that revealed vascular dementia. Once meticulous, her father rapidly declined, eventually requiring total support for feeding, bathing, and mobility. Shamil described how this process consumed her entire life, managing not only his physical care but also his finances and affairs back in New York alongside her many roles. The immense strain led to her own health indicators worsening – high blood pressure and uncontrolled diabetes, mirroring her father's condition. This critical realization prompted a difficult decision: moving her father into memory care to disrupt a cycle of sacrificing self for others. She emphasized that this was a choice forced by realizing she was "dying" while caring for him.

Ken Whitaker's caregiving journey spanned decades, starting subtly in college when his mother had a heart attack shortly after dropping him off, leading him to leave university to be closer to her. As his mother's health declined and she passed, he became the primary caregiver for his grandmother. Ken detailed the escalating demands, from cutting grass to wrapping legs during the pandemic and setting up elaborate monitoring systems. He described how constant caregiving "kind of losing your Humanity" and shapes who you are, noting he felt like a "sandwich child" caring for his mother, grandmother, wife, and children, including one with special needs. Like Shamil, Ken developed his own health problems, including heart issues and pre-diabetes, realizing he was "killing myself". His turning point came when his grandmother, at 101 with her cognitive mind largely intact, directly confronted him about his health and told him not to kill himself trying to keep her alive.

A significant theme was the struggle with the concept of "self-care". Omari felt the word was overused and often associated with expensive spa treatments, stressing the fundamental importance of basics like food, water, rest, and finding time for creativity. Shamil found no space for traditional self-care during her peak burnout, realizing the need for a "meticulous practice that centered what Shamil needed first and foremost". She reframed it as self-preservation, stripping away the guilt of choosing herself. Ken's self-care revolved around "doing nothing," finding silence, moving slower, and connecting with nature like kayaking or camping.

The cultural context of caregiving, particularly within the Black community, was also deeply explored. The speakers noted cultural norms that often expect loved ones to be cared for at home, viewing putting someone in a facility as a "taboo" or failure. Shamil's mother explicitly demanded she not put her father in a home, reflecting fears about quality of care and a learned behavior of prioritizing others. Ken initially felt driven to defy stereotypes about Black men not being present or caring, inadvertently "martyring" himself. Breaking this norm was a difficult decision, often met with judgment, even from family members not providing support. The speakers highlighted the reality that Black fathers are often the most active fathers, contrary to stereotypes.

A powerful shift discussed was moving from reactive "caregiving" in crisis mode to proactive "care planning". The speakers emphasized that caregiving is often thrust upon individuals during emergencies, leading to decisions made from a place of love and trauma rather than strategic planning. Advice included taking a pause, creating a plan that considers assets, resources, legal aspects (like power of attorney), and medical decisions. They stressed the importance of activating community, friends, and peers to assemble resources and combat isolation. Shamil found clarity by first making a plan for herself – seeking therapy, addressing her physical health, and restructuring her work life (adopting a four-day work week). This allowed her to redefine her role; when she visits her father now, she is his daughter, not his caregiver, fostering a different, joyful dynamic. Ken likewise began planning for his own future and encouraging others to set up power of attorney and even plan funerals in advance to alleviate the burden on future generations.

Ultimately, the conversation highlighted the transformative nature of caregiving, teaching patience, vulnerability, the importance of asking for help, and finding joy amidst difficulty. It underscored the need for individuals, particularly within communities facing specific cultural pressures, to be unapologetic about choosing themselves to ensure they can show up effectively, not just for their loved ones, but for their own well-being and that of the generations to come. The call to action was clear: plan, build community, understand resources, challenge cultural norms, and prioritize self-preservation to disrupt cycles of burnout and ensure a more sustainable, joyful approach to care.